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June 17, 2013

The time has come to clear out the mind and allow old patterns to stop festering in my life. I’ve come to realize that I make choices that allow emotionally unavailable men in my life. I focus on fixing them and make choices in always falling for the wrong type of partner. I’m not so sure why this came to mind, however, I have been in a situation that I’m starting to see patterns and I can see myself falling for the possibly wrong person.

I’ve gone back to my writing and journals and have found that this is a trend and much to my disappointment the cause of the end of relationships. As in my last post I stated that the loneliness is what I am embracing and now that I have realized that, I can move on to the next phase of my life. During this journey I am beginning to find other patterns that are not good for me or for finding future partners and the patterns needs to stop. It’s amazing when you finally realize when you are ready for something meaningful and when the person you are trying to court is not emotionally available.

I’ve realized in my writing and journaling that there was a point that I was in love with love, so what’s changed? I’ve come more in tune with what I’m willing to accept and what I want. I’m love myself too much to allow my choices to make me unhappy anymore. I am wondering if I need to change up what my choices in preference are; I always fall for the dashing, pretty, and is always trying to find or fix themselves. I will admit that the pickings are very slim of finding a partner being stuck on a island; so the questions becomes how do I change my thinking to see what is out there without settling.

I guess that is all for now, it’s getting late and my head hurts… Too much to think about and analyze! Till next time


The Common Denominator

June 13, 2013


Now how do I want to start this post!  As of lately I have been in a really depressed and lonely mood, however, I have been feeling really good the past few days, work is going well and so is my personal life.  Im still not dating anyone, however, I have come to a self realization that I am truly lonely.  Now that may shock you and make you think then why are you happy; let me tell you why it makes me happy.  I have realized that the “Loneliness” is what I was trying to deny and was the source of why I was feeling so depressed and now that I have figured out what was the common denominator is there is a feeling of happiness that I can start to heal and move forward.  

So what is Loneliness?   While there are many definitions and countless theories of what the phenomena of loneliness.  It is a state of solitude or being alone, loneliness is actually a state of mind and if one can come to an epiphany early, one can start the healing process to loneliness . Loneliness causes people to feel empty, alone and unwanted even when there are people around you who are trying to show you that they care in their own special way. People who are lonely often crave contact of an intimate and/or social nature, but ones mind does not allow the person to move from being isolated to form any real connection with people.

Loneliness is not necessarily about being alone, it mainly is about mind over matter and how your brain process human contact and connections, it is the perception of being alone and isolated that matters most. I have had the opportunity to go on a few dates over the past few month and while those dates were social I still felt alone because I could not see why that situation did not fulfill me as I wanted.  It was that “Loneliness”, I could not fathom the idea of someone being into me when I was not into myself.  Now that I have realized what the common denominator is, I can start the healing process and put more of an investment in myself rather than searching for meaning in other people.

So here is to finding my common denominator and to the Epiphany that I had.  Till next time!  Kisses and Lipsticks.


Self assessment

June 9, 2013

I have not been on WordPress in a while and my life journey has taken many turns since I last posted to this blog. Four years ago I lost the love of my life, overcame cancer, got hit on my moped, changed jobs and I had to think how was I going to make it through, but I did and here I am today a man who is living life and a testament that life does go on and once you make the choice that fear is not real (don’t get me wrong; danger is very real but fear is just the mind telling you that it is unclear of the future it is not the present state of you and self awareness).
I’m not really sure how to start this blog and not really sure where I want this to go, but I know that I will enjoy having more time sharing my world in hopes that my words will invoke conversation, meaning, insight, and change. Well thats it for now… till next time

A new me

June 9, 2013

A new me

32 lbs lighter and feeling good about myself!

P90X Back and Biceps and Ab Ripper X

May 18, 2011

Have not did my exercise in a bit, been sick, busy with work and I could name a lot of things!  Well anyway I am back, and gonna take it one day at a time again.  Today was Back and Biceps with ab riper x and although hard it was not as hard as the first time that I did this.  I have maintained 213 for about a month now because of my honesty to DailyBurn, but now that I am on the p90X again lets see if I can get below 200.  Anyway, I am really tired and need to get some rest, work was unreal today and I walk about 2.5 miles every day so you can imagine I am tired.  Well wish me luck and thank you all for the support.  Here is my daily log from DailyBurn… Let give them a shout out.  Thank you so much.  BTW I did drop out of the group on FaceBook because it was not what I expected, I wish everyone luck that is doing that group and I hope that you get what you need out of it.

Smooches and Lipsticks.

Arms of a deadly friend!

May 4, 2011

The emptiness of the dark is a solace that was coming for days now. It is the falsity of the truth that impedes the omnipotence. Will the light ever be a beacon of of a new dawn or a painful reminder of how unimportant it all is. The hollow shell we live in is as worn out as the death of an old friend and just as forgotten as the conversations of yesterday. The truth is at the moment in the dark and there is no way out, no where to turn, no one that will get it but the flat and one demential words on this blog!
I go into the arms of the darkness in hopes that it will comfort me from the light and its unyielding blasphemy.


5/02/2011 P90X

May 3, 2011

I have not kept up over the past week for I was on a break and with work (that is just another story) I was just in a deep funk.  Well today was the 5 week of p90x and I have lost 2 lbs and I am very happy about that.  Today was Plyometrics, but could not do that today so I just ran for 4.5 miles today and really kept to my caloric intake and did not let anything deter me from trying to meet my goals.  I dont have much to say but its been a week from where I dont know.  Work laid off about 50 people, I move to a new office, car broke down, going to buy a new car in 2 weeks, and decided that I cant go to pride in SF because of the car situation.  So as you can see this has been one week, so tomorrow with the universe permitting I will be able to do my p90x exercise “Back, Biceps and Ab Ripper X”.  Just so I can get to bed at a good time I will say good bye and keep showing up, and always remember that there is always tomorrow to do even better.  Oh yeah below is my DailyBurn report, Shout out to DailyBurn… YOU ARE THE BEST!  Thanks for always keeping me honest.

Smooches and Lipsticks,